All good things must come to an end
* Today I am mostly listening to: Plain White T's – Hey There Delilah *
Well, I guess it was inevitable really. Me and The Mrs have split up. I was the one who finished it. I never had any intention of doing it. It just happened in the middle of another silly argument.
I guess it had been building up for a long time. The recent visits hadn't been that great (always me visiting her), the phone calls were shorter & shorter (always me phoning her), and when we did speak for any length of time, I was left feeling completely frustrated. The problem is that despite all this, I still find myself in love with her, and miss her terribly. Which seems a bit stupid, all things considered. My feelings go from one extreme to the other. One minute I'm crying my eyes out because I miss her some much. The next, I'm thankful I had the strength to end it, because it wasn't working like it used to.
It's difficult to explain where it went wrong, and I think my feelings of frustration at her have just built up over a long time. It was always me going to visit her, and she simply couldn't see anything wrong in that. In the year and a half we've been together, she's only visited me twice. The way she spoke to me had such a big impact on things, and I tried so many times to tell her this, but she didn't think there was anything wrong in that. It was the tone she used. She sounded like she didn't want to be with me, sounded like she didn't like me very much, sounded like she was telling me off, all at the same time. It's difficult to put into words. Even her friends said to me they didn't like how she treated me, but for whatever reason they never said anything to her. It was always me saying something, and she said I was having a go all the time. But all along she said she loved me. It just didn't feel like it to me.
Then there was sex thing. She said I was only interested in sex, and I was addicted to it. The favourite phrase of “love is more than just sex” was said so many times. And after constantly being told I was an addict, I did exactly what she asked of me. I stopped all contact that could possibly be construed as being sexual. I was scared of hugging her. I only ever touched & kissed her when permitted. And I'll admit I found this hard. Not because I wanted sex and couldn't have it, but because my favourite thing in the world was to lie in bed and rest my head on her chest with my arm across her stomach. It felt safe. It felt comfortable. And when she put her hand through my hair it felt so intimate, and I thought we really were meant to be together. But I couldn't even do that without the fear she thought I was after sex.
So, yes, it has been difficult, and it's going to continue to be difficult for a while yet. I don't know what to do next; the fighter in me wants to work things out, but the realist says I should just move on and mark it down to experience. If only she would see that there really are problems to be resolved. If she wasn't so stubborn, then things might be different, and we might have a chance.
Well, I guess it was inevitable really. Me and The Mrs have split up. I was the one who finished it. I never had any intention of doing it. It just happened in the middle of another silly argument.
I guess it had been building up for a long time. The recent visits hadn't been that great (always me visiting her), the phone calls were shorter & shorter (always me phoning her), and when we did speak for any length of time, I was left feeling completely frustrated. The problem is that despite all this, I still find myself in love with her, and miss her terribly. Which seems a bit stupid, all things considered. My feelings go from one extreme to the other. One minute I'm crying my eyes out because I miss her some much. The next, I'm thankful I had the strength to end it, because it wasn't working like it used to.
It's difficult to explain where it went wrong, and I think my feelings of frustration at her have just built up over a long time. It was always me going to visit her, and she simply couldn't see anything wrong in that. In the year and a half we've been together, she's only visited me twice. The way she spoke to me had such a big impact on things, and I tried so many times to tell her this, but she didn't think there was anything wrong in that. It was the tone she used. She sounded like she didn't want to be with me, sounded like she didn't like me very much, sounded like she was telling me off, all at the same time. It's difficult to put into words. Even her friends said to me they didn't like how she treated me, but for whatever reason they never said anything to her. It was always me saying something, and she said I was having a go all the time. But all along she said she loved me. It just didn't feel like it to me.
Then there was sex thing. She said I was only interested in sex, and I was addicted to it. The favourite phrase of “love is more than just sex” was said so many times. And after constantly being told I was an addict, I did exactly what she asked of me. I stopped all contact that could possibly be construed as being sexual. I was scared of hugging her. I only ever touched & kissed her when permitted. And I'll admit I found this hard. Not because I wanted sex and couldn't have it, but because my favourite thing in the world was to lie in bed and rest my head on her chest with my arm across her stomach. It felt safe. It felt comfortable. And when she put her hand through my hair it felt so intimate, and I thought we really were meant to be together. But I couldn't even do that without the fear she thought I was after sex.
So, yes, it has been difficult, and it's going to continue to be difficult for a while yet. I don't know what to do next; the fighter in me wants to work things out, but the realist says I should just move on and mark it down to experience. If only she would see that there really are problems to be resolved. If she wasn't so stubborn, then things might be different, and we might have a chance.
| Permalink | 
