What's it all about, Bloggie?

* Today I'm not listening to anything, I'm too darned upset! *

Would you bloody believe it? I go and post how Fifi Trixibelle and I got back together, then next thing I know, she's broken up with me again. I tell you, I'm cursed.

It seems to be the same reasons as last time, and I feel pretty shitty about it all. I fought and fought last time, but I just don't have it in me now. It felt so wrong last time, but this time she's really taken it out of me. I feel devastated.

Just wish I could stop the crying. That would be a big help.

* Tonight I am mostly listening to: September – Cant Get Over *

So, I know it's a little late for blogging, and I also acknowledge that it's been a while since I left a little message, but I just had the urge to post something.

Well, the big news is that I actually got back together with Fifi Trixibelle. As you'll see from my previous post, I was pretty gutted, and the whole breakup just felt wrong. And because of this, I did what I never thought I'd do. I fought for her.

Initially it didn't work. I left it for a few days and I fought again. I threw everything at her, I even told her I'd fallen in love. Which is no lie. I just hadn't openly admitted it as I was so damn petrified of falling for some one again (that will be down to He Who Must Not Be Named then). So another night followed, I got drunk, drowned my sorrows, felt ever-so slightly hungover and ended up feeling rather sorry for myself, then got a text saying she'd been a twat, she did want me in her life and would I consider taking her back.

Well, that was a turn around. Call it intuition or whatever you want, but I just had that feeling it wasn't over. And guess what? It wasn't. I wanted to take her back straight away, but the sensible part of me (yes, there is a sensible part) wanted to make sure that she meant it and it wasn't just a guilty reaction to all my fighting (please note, not begging, I'd never beg for anything). So after a lot of phone calls, I determined that her intentions were genuine, and she was genuinely sure she wanted to get back together.

So here we are. Happy together again! Well, mostly. We have a few niggles (mostly pre-menstrual). She feels that's she's not giving me enough, but actually, I'm reasonably happy with the way things are. We see each other a couple of times a week, but that's about the same as He Who Must Not Be Named, and a lot more than The Mrs (ex). Yeah, it would be nice to see each other a bit more often, but luckily I'm one of those people who's happy with their own company, so it's not really that much of a problem to me.

So, yes, the story continues...

* Today I am mostly listening to: Beyonce – Single Ladies *

So, after a lot soul-searching, indecision, and questioning of my inner self (see previous post), I took the plunge and officially got together with Fifi Trixibelle. But as with most things in life, I guess it just wasn't meant to be. We broke up on Tuesday.

To start off with, I was the one with the issues, I just wasn't sure if I could commit to a relationship, I wasn't sure if I was at that stage. Well, I decided I was ready, and took the plunge, and it was great, I really felt we got on and had fun together. But, guess what? I was wrong. Over text, she asked if we could have a serious talk. Well, that immediately set off alarm bells. She wanted to do it in person the following night, but with me being the impatient type, couldn't wait a whole day, so had to have the conversation there and then.

It seems that she hadn't been feeling right for a couple of weeks, and that actually, she wasn't ready to be in a relationship after all (hold on, weren't those initially my feelings?). She thought she was ready, but it became clear to her that she wasn't. Things just weren't feeling right, and she was getting increasingly freaked out (her harsh words). Well, thank you very much. That was a slap in the face if there ever was one.

Yes, I'm moaning, I'm angry, and I'm hurt. I'd really started to like her. It was so nice to have some one that shared the same interests, the same humour, and so many other things. But I have to ask myself, was it just nice to feel wanted again? We had a lot of similarities, but we also had a lot of differences. Would it have even worked? Am I just angry and hurt because she dumped me? I don't know, lots of questions, and I don't think I'm in the right frame of mind right now to decide.

* Today I am mostly listening to: Solange – I Decided (She's lovely, she is) *

I'm a lucky girl. A very lucky girl indeed. Not only do I have one new woman in my life, but I have also managed to bag myself another one. Yep, you heard correctly. I have two new women in my life. And I'm just loving it!

Let me introduce you to them. Firstly there is Fifi Trixibelle (keeping in-line with our no-name policy). She's the one I went on the date with the other week. The one you may remember I dismissed due to being a lard-arse (oh, the guilt, the guilt). Well, seeing as we got on so well, we kept in touch, texted a lot, talked a lot, e-mailed a lot, and well, generally speaking, things just moved on from there. It wasn't intentional, but it is nice to feel wanted by some one again, especially after the debacle with The Mrs (ex). She's funny, clever, articulated, generous and lots of other things that I really like. We get on, she's gets my humour and I get hers. We laugh, we chat, we kiss, we do all the other stuff too. It's just nice.

However, all is not rosy in the lesbian love garden. She wants more and I just don't know if I can give it. It means committing to a relationship, and I just don't know if I can do it. But I'm hard pressed to give you a valid reason why. Is it the weight issue, is it the distance (she lives an hour away), or am I just not ready? Don't get me wrong, there are lots of reasons why a relationship would be good (see above), but I can't quite get to that stage. So, for the moment we remain friends with benefits (I refuse to use the term fcuk buddies, it's more than that).

So, now let me introduce you to my other woman, Diana. She's my new project. I've wanted to do something creative for a while, and after not really knowing what to do, I think she may just be the outlet I've been searching for. I found her by accident, but knew I liked her as soon as I saw her. I just had to have her! So I ordered her, she arrived, and I was just so nervous about taking her out of her protective packaging. But I did it, and I'm happy to say we spent the afternoon together.

It's strange really, I'd got so used to using my digital camera, and relying on the little screen to show me what I'd just taken. But now I've gone completely old skool, and I find myself using a medium format film camera; this time last week I didn't even know what one of those was.

I was slightly nervous at first, but then felt so liberated! You just point and click, and have absolutely no idea what you've just taken. It's just so liberating! Will it be crap, will it be good, will I have wasted the whole damn film? You just don't know until you get your prints back. So as much as I'd like to display the results here, I'm afraid I can't quite do that yet, so you'll just have to make do with some rather tasty shots of Diana herself.

* Today I am mostly listening to: Sheryl Crow – Hard To Make A Stand *

So, the online dating has been going slightly better with the introduction of a new profile. Within days of said profile going live, I was contacted by not just one, but two new chicks. After a bit of online chatting with one (appropriate name still to be decided!), she asked for my phone number so we could text and get to know each better, but without sitting in front of a computer screen. So mobile numbers were exchanged, and no end of text messages were sent.

So, she asked me out on a date. Yah, you're no doubt thinking. And yes, that was how I felt. At first. So we met, and she is as lovely as she comes across in her online messages and texts. And you're no doubt sensing a but coming here... So here goes. But I saw her and just knew I didn't fancy her. I've made mention of it before on here , so it should come as no surprise that I'm on the larger side of life. I'm afraid to say that she was even larger than me. Which I hate to say made me not fancy her. I'm sorry, but I've said it now. So there you go. I hate myself and I'm nothing but a big shit head for not being able to get beyond the size issue.

My Obsession says it's good that I've given it a go and I can't expect to fancy every one. She assures me it's not wrong to have a preferred type. I just can't help but feel bad about it though. I'm doing what people do to me; they don't like me because of my size, but I'm just as bad, I'm doing the same thing to some one else.

So I'm posting a picture of Pink (she's got a new CD coming out, don't you know) in a bid to cheer myself up.

* Today I am mostly listening to: Stereo Sushi 14 – First Course *

So, I've just celebrated my 30-something birthday, and I've finally updated my dating profile. The old one was boring, and didn't quite say what I wanted it to say. It obviously wasn't working, so I'm hoping my new improved version will have a bit more success. I've also taken the plunge and updated my photo's to some more recent ones. I've also decided to hedge my bets, and I've signed up to another one. Again, not sure how successful it will be, but it's worth a try. It was recommended to me by Screaming N (you may remember her, probably not though). She reckons she's met a few people off there, and has even managed to have meaningless sex. Just between us, I'm hoping for a bit of that as well. Well, if I can remember how to do it...

Anyway, the bareness of my so called love life often makes me think of what I would like in my perfect woman. I've christened her my imaginary girlfriend (original, I know). I can't quite see her face, but she has dark hair, shortish, but not too dykey. She can be either feminine or completely on the scene. Which kind of suits what I want out of a woman. Some one you can introduce to your mother without her realising that you're both getting low down and dirty behind her back.

She's successful, has money (not on a lottery winner level), and has a close group of friends that I'm easily invited in to. If we want to go out for a meal, I know I won't be the one who always foots the bill. We like lying in bed on Sunday morning reading our books & drinking cups of tea (we definitely both drink tea as opposed to coffee). We're happy together even at those silent moments, when some one else might feel the need to fill it some meaningless drivel. We're simply just happy together.

She may or may not exist, but it's nice to think there could be some one out there who will like me as much as I like them.

* Today I am mostly listening to: Freemasons – When You Touch Me *

No, seriously, just how do you do it? I may not have mentioned it for a little while, but I do actually dabble in the world that is on-line dating. It has to be said that I don't have much luck even though that's where I met The Mrs (ex). The site I use is apparently a complete meat market, but I have to say that I'm still to experience this side of it.

I've chatted with a few people on there. You may remember I mentioned the Gaelic Princess. We met for drinks; I thought it went OK-ish, but it didn't go any further than that. I stopped the e-mailing just to see if she would be the one to make first contact. Alas it wasn't meant to be.

Then there was The Specialist. We chatted a bit on-line, then she asked for my phone number as she found talking directly a lot easier. After a few doubts, I gave her my phone number. She phoned. I didn't answer (nerves). I texted her and said I was in Tesco (I wasn't). After a few more texts, she phoned back and I actually decided to talk to her (I know, how brave of me). I thought we got on reasonably well. After a couple of phone conversations that lasted over an hour on each occasion, I thought we were getting on quite well, and although we never set a definite date, we did actually agree to meet up (at her suggestion). Then the texts stopped (she didn't reply to mine), and there were no more phone calls. Now, why do people do that? Why bother asking to meet up, then cut all contact? So that was the end of The Specialist.

So that's it, that is the total of my on-line dating experience. What I need to know is, how do you succeed at this on-line dating game? How do you write that killer profile that gets all the lovely ladies hooked? At the moment, I'd settle for the meat-market, but even that doesn't seem forthcoming. I mean, I have needs; I've had extremely enjoyable lady-sex and I need to experience more. Damn it!