What's it all about, Bloggie?

Today I am mostly listening to: Christina Aguilera – What a girl wants (*I wonder if this song is linked in any way to the improvement in my mood...*)

Well, my mood seems to have somewhat improved since my previous post. The writing down of those thoughts has obviously had some kind of cathartic effect, so if nothing else comes of it, I’m pleased for that reason alone. I certainly feel more positive, and at the end of the day, I’m in an OK position really. There are many people out there in a lot worse situation than I am.

As a pure coincidence, some one sent me this link: Post Secret. Apparently it’s been in the press recently, although I haven't seen it written about myself. I’ve read pretty much all of them now, and I’m desperately trying to think of which juicy secret to post (oh yes, there’s a lot more to lil' ol' innocent me than meets the eye!). Thank goodness it’s all anonymous!


Look's like some one has cheered up

Just to round things up nicely, this week I'm lusting after a new TFT monitor. Seriously, I'm debating (yes, I said debating) the benefits of buying one. The only thing is, what do I do with my trusty old monitor? Ebay it or bin it? There's nothing wrong with it. (Oh, perhaps I've just answered my own question there. If there's nothing wrong with it, why get rid of it? Hmmm...)

Today I am mostly listening to: Nothing, nada, zilch, zip

I feel that I am at one of those points in life, and quite frankly, I haven’t got a clue about which way to go. I don’t want to sound needy & desperate, but I feel that my life changed on 11 August 2004. Unfortunately I can remember the day quite well. For an August evening it was actually a little bit overcast, and maybe even a little bit chilly. I was feeling pretty down anyway (I didn’t know why. Was it a sixth sense?!), and I’d just watched Sonia from Eastenders doing some program in Australia with lots of animals. He who must not be named was coming over & I can remember that I wasn’t even annoyed that he was late, and just thought that we wouldn’t go to the cinema after all. He walked in with his bag ("Oh, he’s going to stay the night" I thought), and by the look on his face I could tell something was wrong. Of course I asked if he was OK, and that’s the point that my life changed. No usual laugh, no cheeky smile, just a simple "I need to talk to you".

I felt like all the air had been knocked out of me. It was happening to me, but it was happening all around me & there was nothing I could do. I had no control. Like going down a water slide, trying to stop yourself from going any faster, but really there’s only one way to go, and that’s down. I now often think of that moment as a watercolour. All the colours were bright & vibrant & had a meaning; next all colour is being washed away. What was once a beautiful picture is now just a boring plain piece of paper with nothing on it. That’s how I feel. There’s no substance, there’s no colour.

I don’t know why I am feeling like this now in particular. Perhaps it was the realisation on Wednesday night (whilst sitting happily watching Desperate Housewives) that what I’m really waiting for is someone to come & take me away from it all. In reality I know it’s not going to happen, but there’s the fairytale inside my head that makes me think it just might happen.

I thought I’d got myself together, but really I’ve just been coasting along. Not pushing or stretching myself in any direction, just doing the same old things for fear of being let down or hurt again. Since it happened I’ve said to myself (and people have said it to me) "Life is out there, you’ve got to go out & get it". And I thought that was what I was doing, but in reality it’s just been words & it’s what people expect you to say, it’s what they want to hear. I don’t know why, but I feel now is the time to do something. My head tells me he’s not coming back, but my heart won’t let go. I’ve just got to accept it’s not going to happen. My head & heart can rant & rave as much as they like, but it just won’t happen.

The point is what do I do next? What is the next step? If you want life, how do you go out & get it? These are questions that I keep asking, but just haven’t found the answer for yet. Will it come in a flash of inspiration, or will the answers just evolve over time?

Answers on a post card or the back of a stuck-down envelope to the usual address.


Which way now?

Today I am mostly listening to: Ben Harper & The Blind Boys of Alabama - Wicked Man

Yep, I went & did it. I took the bull by the horns & booked my plane ticket to Holland! Not only am I excited about the prospect of going to Holland again, I’m also chuffed with myself for not letting singledom get in the way of going to a friends’ wedding! It may have taken a bit of persuading on the part of the friend getting married, but after reassurances that there MAY be some single men there, I finally decided I’ve got nothing to lose! Please understand that this is not the only reason for going, it’s just an added bonus. Obviously I’m going to witness the official union of two people who are happy & in love (or some bollox like that). No, seriously, it should be good and I am really looking forward to it! (I’m really trying to sound sincere here. Is it working?!)


Take the cheap route (BTW, I took that pic!)

Forgot to add, I finally got those damn Nike Rifts, and boy are they good! I can now understand all the hype, they're comfy! Here's another satisfied customer.

Today I am mostly listening to: Ben Harper & The Blind Boys of Alabama – Take my hand

I love getting post, it means some one wants to contact me & has actually taken the time to write to me. I hate the junk mail that drops daily through my letterbox though. So imagine my surprise when I returned home from work to find a big fat white envelope resting peacefully on the mat by the front door. Scrambling to pick it up & realising that it wasn’t put through my letterbox in error, the first thing that struck me was the unusual stamp, and after closer inspection it revealed itself to originate from The Netherlands. In a fit of excitement I tore open the envelope & a wedding invitation fell out! Could the IT Girl finally be settling down?!

Alas no, but another friend living in The Netherlands has decided to finally tie the knot. My immediate reaction was one of excitement & happiness, but after the initial excitement died down, I started to think about the enormity of going to a wedding on my own... To some it may not seem that much of a big deal, but when you’ve been used to doing things as part of a couple, things like weddings (actually, especially weddings!) can seem a bit daunting.


"I wonder what would Arthur do?"

After reasoning with myself for a while (OK, I’m still doing the reasoning bit now), I’ve decided that this is one event I don’t want to miss out on (unlike another friends New Years Eve birthday party that I refused point-blank to go to). Oh, for goodness sake (post-edited for politeness), I travelled to bloody Australia on my own to see Atomic Rosie, surely I can make my way to Schiphol bloody Airport! And anyway, I can always catch up with the IT Girl (whatever happened with the MTV thingy?) and you never know, I might meet a nice tall Dutch Aragorn (with glasses if I get a choice!).

Tomorrow’s task: check Easyjet flights.

(Today I am mostly listening to: That new thang by Jamiroquai)

It’s bank holiday Monday & I’m bored. Done a bit of tidying up of the blog (see how it sparkles!), and as there’s nothing particularly interesting on TV, I’ve nicked this idea from someone else’s blog...

100 (random) things about me

1. My birthday is in October

2. I’ve lost the will to celebrate birthdays, they never turn out how I plan them & I always feel let down

3. I’d quite like a pet dog

4. I’d call it something like Warner, Hector, or Bartholomew, but nothing is definite & I’m always open to ideas

5. My sister is my best friend (she’s the only one I can rely on)

6. She knows more people in our hometown than I do & I’m the one who lives here

7. I’m envious of her life; she’s doing the job she always wanted to do & knows what she wants from life

8. I’m not jealous of her though; I just aspire to be a bit more like her

9. I’d quite like to get my tongue pierced, but don’t think I could cope with the pain

10. I used to have my nose pierced

11. I only did it because the bloke I fancied was having his eyebrow done

12. I don’t want a tattoo

13. I love curry

14. I miss the ones cooked by He who must not be named (they were the best)

15. Some times I can be lazy

16. I wish I wasn’t

17. I hate it when people punctuate sentences with laughter

18. I’ve never seen Reservoir Dogs or Trainspotting

19. I always forget the overdose scene in Pulp Fiction

20. I wish I played a musical instrument

21. But don’t want to go through the learning curve of lessons

22. I’d also like to be able to sing (properly)

23. I don’t know what my dream job is

24. I’d like to try lots until I find the right one for me

25. I’d love to do a tour of the world by following sports events

26. I’d start with the British & Irish Lions in New Zealand

27. And maybe come back to the UK for the Ashes & Wimbledon

28. But then I’d carry on round the world again

29. I’ve never won anything on the Lotto

30. Although I buy a ticket most weeks (and it’s probably my only chance of doing my world tour)

31. I wish I spoke a foreign language fluently

32. I wish I had more motivation

33. And more willpower

34. I wish my hair was straighter and longer

35. Or I could use straighteners properly

36. I can sometimes be too stubborn for my own good

37. I’d like to be a published author, but I’m still waiting for that killer idea

38. Some questions in life can only be answered by an ice-cold lager (although it’s not my favourite drink)

39. REM – Out of Time was the first CD I ever bought

40. I’d rather eat 2 Big Mac’s than 1 Big Mac & fries (although I’ve never done it & don’t plan to do it)

41. I failed my history A’ level

42. One day I would like to take it again and pass

43. When people ask which team I support, I always reply with "Saracens" (it confuses them; they mean football, I mean rugby)

44. I miss watching them on a Sunday (even in the rain & wind of Watford)

45. I like a man in glasses

46. I feel drawn to Aragorn, even though he doesn’t wear glasses

47. And Orlando Bloom has a certain quality at certain times

48. Pepperoni is my favourite pizza topping (I used to pick it all off & eat it after I’d finished with the pizza base)

49. I prefer tea to coffee


Anyone fancy a cuppa?

50. I don’t eat fish because I don’t like it (although I once ate a fish-finger sandwich & thought it was OK).

51. I can’t walk in heels, although I would love to be able to

52. I blame it on the fact I broke my ankle on a drunken night out

53. I don’t do maths; I’d like to personally thank the person who invented electronic calculators

54. I’m more “one of the guys” than a “girly girl”

55. I wish I was more girly at times though!

56. I’m afraid to die & haven’t come to terms with death (I cry when people die in Neighbours or Eastenders)

57. I’m much happier, nicer & funnier than this list is making me sound!

58. I should be doing something else instead of writing this.

59. I’m running out of things to say, so think I’ll stop at 60 (it’s a nice round number)

60. I didn’t think I’d get this far!

Only 40 more to go! (And I did that without a calculator). I suppose I can always complete it another time when I’ve got nothing better to do.