What's it all about, Bloggie?

Today I am mostly listening to: Nothing, nada, zilch, zip

I feel that I am at one of those points in life, and quite frankly, I haven’t got a clue about which way to go. I don’t want to sound needy & desperate, but I feel that my life changed on 11 August 2004. Unfortunately I can remember the day quite well. For an August evening it was actually a little bit overcast, and maybe even a little bit chilly. I was feeling pretty down anyway (I didn’t know why. Was it a sixth sense?!), and I’d just watched Sonia from Eastenders doing some program in Australia with lots of animals. He who must not be named was coming over & I can remember that I wasn’t even annoyed that he was late, and just thought that we wouldn’t go to the cinema after all. He walked in with his bag ("Oh, he’s going to stay the night" I thought), and by the look on his face I could tell something was wrong. Of course I asked if he was OK, and that’s the point that my life changed. No usual laugh, no cheeky smile, just a simple "I need to talk to you".

I felt like all the air had been knocked out of me. It was happening to me, but it was happening all around me & there was nothing I could do. I had no control. Like going down a water slide, trying to stop yourself from going any faster, but really there’s only one way to go, and that’s down. I now often think of that moment as a watercolour. All the colours were bright & vibrant & had a meaning; next all colour is being washed away. What was once a beautiful picture is now just a boring plain piece of paper with nothing on it. That’s how I feel. There’s no substance, there’s no colour.

I don’t know why I am feeling like this now in particular. Perhaps it was the realisation on Wednesday night (whilst sitting happily watching Desperate Housewives) that what I’m really waiting for is someone to come & take me away from it all. In reality I know it’s not going to happen, but there’s the fairytale inside my head that makes me think it just might happen.

I thought I’d got myself together, but really I’ve just been coasting along. Not pushing or stretching myself in any direction, just doing the same old things for fear of being let down or hurt again. Since it happened I’ve said to myself (and people have said it to me) "Life is out there, you’ve got to go out & get it". And I thought that was what I was doing, but in reality it’s just been words & it’s what people expect you to say, it’s what they want to hear. I don’t know why, but I feel now is the time to do something. My head tells me he’s not coming back, but my heart won’t let go. I’ve just got to accept it’s not going to happen. My head & heart can rant & rave as much as they like, but it just won’t happen.

The point is what do I do next? What is the next step? If you want life, how do you go out & get it? These are questions that I keep asking, but just haven’t found the answer for yet. Will it come in a flash of inspiration, or will the answers just evolve over time?

Answers on a post card or the back of a stuck-down envelope to the usual address.


Which way now?