Cigarettes and alcohol (and other such substances)
Dear TLG,
I’m freaked out, pissed off, and slightly scared. All I want to do is run away & hide in a darkened room for a very long time. I don’t know whether I can talk to you about this, because when I mentioned it at the time, you laughed & didn’t seem at all embarrassed. I know you were completely wankered, but I have issues with the following:
1. You had sex with your so-called best friend (when will you realise the Poisoned Scot treats you like shit & is certainly not your best friend?). I know you’d already told me about it, and I don’t particularly have a problem with it (after all, you’re not the only one to have shagged a friend) but it’s not very nice for me to hear that the sex was excellent, and if you ever had sex with her again, you know that sex would also be excellent. I’m your girlfriend, and although it’s better not to hide things from me, that was perhaps a bit too much information. I have to wonder if you’re thinking about having sex with her again.
2. You don’t need to tell all of your friends that I’m obsessed with sex and you feel that I’m pressuring you. It really didn’t help the situation when you threatened to drag some one off the street if I didn’t hurry up and shag you. Who's pressuring who?
3. Please don’t freak me out by asking who’s fingers they are. They were mine and there was only ever us in the bedroom. There were never any photographers, there was no magazine, and I certainly didn’t shag any one else, while saying you weren't allowed to shag any one.
4. Please, please don’t ask me about the size of He Who Must Not Be Named’s trouser snake. Normally you can’t stand to hear him mentioned. And you’d better not be annoyed, because you brought the subject up & I really really didn’t want to talk about him. He’s in my past and that’s all there is to it.
5. I know you’ve got ex-girlfriends, and I don’t have a problem with that, but there are some things that you really shouldn’t tell me. You should have just given me the edited highlights of your conversation with the Poisoned Scot. I’m sure your ex-girlfriends are wonderful in their own way, but you don’t need to go on about how they were "absolutely stunning", and then in the next breath say "but you’ve got beautiful eyes". That really was a barbed compliment followed by an almighty smack in the gob.
I know you’ll never read this (or at least I hope you won’t), but I have to get it all off my chest. Hopefully I’ll feel better for it.
Yours sincerely,
tEC tONiK
P.S. Thanks for saying I could shag Pink should the occasion ever arise; although I do have to point out that it was you who started & ended that conversation. I never actually had any input into it what so ever.
P.P.S. Thanks for voting me Licker Of The Month – God knows where that comment came from, but I guess it was a compliment of some kind.
I’m freaked out, pissed off, and slightly scared. All I want to do is run away & hide in a darkened room for a very long time. I don’t know whether I can talk to you about this, because when I mentioned it at the time, you laughed & didn’t seem at all embarrassed. I know you were completely wankered, but I have issues with the following:
1. You had sex with your so-called best friend (when will you realise the Poisoned Scot treats you like shit & is certainly not your best friend?). I know you’d already told me about it, and I don’t particularly have a problem with it (after all, you’re not the only one to have shagged a friend) but it’s not very nice for me to hear that the sex was excellent, and if you ever had sex with her again, you know that sex would also be excellent. I’m your girlfriend, and although it’s better not to hide things from me, that was perhaps a bit too much information. I have to wonder if you’re thinking about having sex with her again.
2. You don’t need to tell all of your friends that I’m obsessed with sex and you feel that I’m pressuring you. It really didn’t help the situation when you threatened to drag some one off the street if I didn’t hurry up and shag you. Who's pressuring who?
3. Please don’t freak me out by asking who’s fingers they are. They were mine and there was only ever us in the bedroom. There were never any photographers, there was no magazine, and I certainly didn’t shag any one else, while saying you weren't allowed to shag any one.
4. Please, please don’t ask me about the size of He Who Must Not Be Named’s trouser snake. Normally you can’t stand to hear him mentioned. And you’d better not be annoyed, because you brought the subject up & I really really didn’t want to talk about him. He’s in my past and that’s all there is to it.
5. I know you’ve got ex-girlfriends, and I don’t have a problem with that, but there are some things that you really shouldn’t tell me. You should have just given me the edited highlights of your conversation with the Poisoned Scot. I’m sure your ex-girlfriends are wonderful in their own way, but you don’t need to go on about how they were "absolutely stunning", and then in the next breath say "but you’ve got beautiful eyes". That really was a barbed compliment followed by an almighty smack in the gob.
I know you’ll never read this (or at least I hope you won’t), but I have to get it all off my chest. Hopefully I’ll feel better for it.
Yours sincerely,
tEC tONiK
P.S. Thanks for saying I could shag Pink should the occasion ever arise; although I do have to point out that it was you who started & ended that conversation. I never actually had any input into it what so ever.
P.P.S. Thanks for voting me Licker Of The Month – God knows where that comment came from, but I guess it was a compliment of some kind.
